


Ass-et Protection

by morrezela



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Bodyguard, Crack, M/M, POV Outsider
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-26
Updated: 2014-12-26
Packaged: 2018-03-03 14:17:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2853860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morrezela/pseuds/morrezela
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen might be feeling a bit of something for the man whose life he has been hired to protect. If only his partner in not-crime would quit making sarcastic comments in his earpiece about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ass-et Protection

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dugindeep (hotsauce)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotsauce/gifts).



> Disclaimer: This isn’t real. The people mentioned belong to themselves. I am receiving no remuneration from this.
> 
> A/N: Created for my buddy dugindeep for spn_j2_xmas. You deserved better, but you got me instead! Yay!  
> Beta provided by yohkobennington.
> 
> All mistakes you find are my own.

“Jensen, I see you checking him out,” Felicia’s voice hissed through Jensen’s earpiece. “Unless you think that there is a nest of killer drones living in his ass, you need to have your eyes elsewhere. Pronto,” she added when the angle of the feed didn’t change.

The view was finally not consumed with the grey clothed ass of one Jared Padalecki. Felicia did not get it. She had handled Jensen through hundreds of assignments. Most of the time, he was the picture of professionalism and tact while he was on the job. Off the job was a different story. Jensen’s ability to tell dirty jokes was amazing.

Felicia didn’t think that jokes were the only thing that Jensen wanted to be dirtying around Padalecki. She hadn’t been at the original interview for the assignment, had never met the guy. But he obviously appealed to Jensen enough that Jensen’s dick could override Jensen’s brain – or something.

“So is it his sense of humor? The dimples? The shampoo commercial hair? The fivehead he’s sporting?” Felicia guessed into the microphone.

Jensen rewarded her comments by looking down at his own outstretched index finger.

“And here I thought you wanted to fuck your assignment,” Felicia mock scolded. “But if you’re offering…”

Jensen looked into the tureen of cold soup that was an off putting shade of rusty orange.

“That is disgusting,” Felicia muttered. “Make sure Padalecki doesn’t eat that. He could get poisoned before anybody actually gets to kill him.”

Jensen seemed to ignore her as the feed started sweeping across the room again. Padalecki still hadn’t moved from where he was entertaining a group of potential investors. Felicia wasn't an inventor like Padalecki, or a rich person who could throw money at his fancy mechanical inventions, but the group of people surrounding Padalecki looked like every word he said was sailing right over their heads. She had the sneaking suspicion any money he raised was going to be the direct result of his good looks.  
Ignoring the Padalecki’s groupies, Felicia looked at the people milling around them. The lack of access to cameras within the ballroom was annoying, but she didn’t dare tap into the official surveillance ones. The government had called dibs on the official security footage, and she did not want to cross them.

There were plenty of other important people in the room. Shepcore had only been hired as extra protection for Padalecki because Chad Murray was a paranoid son of a bitch, and Padalecki let his friend slash manager make those sorts of decisions for him.

Of course, just because Felicia thought the job was overkill didn’t mean that she wasn’t going to be as vigilant as possible. The last thing she needed was to be named in a giant fuck up in a place that was swarming with security. Their reliability would plunge, and she’d be back working in a calls center telling people to turn it on and off again. So would Jensen, but his call center hadn’t been about computers.

“Check the man to your right,” she instructed.

Jensen’s camera didn’t move much. The first rule of covert operations was being covert. It was fine for Jensen to look about the room like a random person, but staring directly at a person would be suspicious. The rudeness would be noticed, and being noticed was always a bad thing in Jensen’s profession.

“Maroon suit guy looks uncomfortable, and I don’t think it’s the poor cut of his pants,” Felicia observed.

Jensen’s camera bobbed as he hurried his steps to place himself between Padalecki and the suspect. As he was moving, the suspect drew a gun. What was a boring party turned into pandemonium as people started dodging every which way, slamming into each other to get out of the line of fire.

The only person who didn’t was Jensen. He pivoted and threw himself on Padalecki. Felicia didn’t need to have audio feed to know that there were shots fired. The flinching faces of those still in sight of Jensen’s camera as he and Padalecki crashed to the ground was information enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
If Jensen put his hand on Jared’s ass to leverage himself upright, nobody needed to know that it was totally on purpose. The punk shooting at them was already surrounded by security officers, winning himself the title of World’s Worst Hitman – at least as far as Jensen was concerned.

“Is everybody okay?” Jared asked from the floor that he was still sprawled on. He was half rolled over on his back, hand rubbing at his ass. Jensen might’ve used to much force while disguising his grope as a necessity of action.

A quick survey of the room didn’t yield any blood, but there was at least one casualty. “I’m not sure the punchbowl is going to make it,” Jensen said as he offered a hand to Jared to help him off the floor.

Jared took his hand and straightened his suit once he got to his feet. He turned around to look at the punch bowl that was spurting red liquid all over the buffet table. Jensen figured it must’ve been made of some high quality material if it hadn’t shattered upon the bullet’s impact.

“That could’ve been me,” Jared whispered, eyes wide.

“Nah,” Jensen said, eyeing the place that the shooter had been standing. “He wasn’t that good of a shot.”

“He…”

“Angle was too wide,” Jensen interrupted. “Whoever wanted to kill you should’ve paid more money and found somebody who knew how to aim a handgun.”

“That’s not comforting,” Jared told him.

Jensen shrugged. “It’s the truth though.”

Jared opened and closed his mouth, then shook his head. “At least my compound turned out well.”

Jensen frowned. “Your what?”

“My compound,” Jared said, gesturing at the punch bowl. “One of the best advances in glass since the invention of the stuff they use as the screens for touch phones. Look at the lack of cracks even though the holes in it were made with a bullet.”

“I thought you were a mechanical engineer,” Jensen said stupidly.

“Oh. Sure, yeah. I just…”

“Sounds like Murray lied to us,” Felicia’s voice crackled through Jensen’s earpiece. “Apparently, there was more than an in direct threat to Padalecki’s life, and we weren’t just hired because Murray, ‘...had a bad feeling.’”

“Your friend is an idiot,” Jensen informed Jared.

Jared sighed. “I know.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So, you’re going to be sleeping with Padalecki,” Felicia said as she sat on Jensen’s motel room bed, eating Cheetos mixed with chocolate chips. It was disgusting, but Jensen didn’t dare say anything to her. The last time he did that, she created a computer virus that redirected his web browser to the Food Network website every three minutes.

“It’s not like that,” Jensen said as he methodically packed his suit. He only had the one for fancy events. Most of the time he was in the shadows and didn’t need expensive clothing to complete his assignment. As long as his tuxedo didn’t have any holes or blood stains, he was going to keep it in good repair. He wasn’t going to ruin it by storing it improperly.

“Oh, come on. How long have we been working together?” Felicia asked.

“Five years,” Jensen dutifully answered.

“And how long before that did we know each other?”

“Three more,” Jensen grumbled.

“And who was it that saved you from a life of eating ramen and answering phone sex lines?”

Jensen sighed and turned to glower at her. Felicia smiled brightly. Jensen thought she looked a bit deranged with orange cheese dust stuck on her lips, but he wisely said nothing about that.

“I know you so, so well,” Felicia said in response to his look. “Don’t think I don’t know you grabbed Jared’s ass already. I know when your tactile assumptions have gone from speculative to confirmed.”

“That doesn’t even make sense,” Jensen groused.

“Uh-huh. So is it as firm as it looked? Does he work out?” Felicia asked with a fake, breathy voice.

Unwillingly, Jensen’s mind conjured up the memory of that firm muscle under his palm.

 

“It is!” Felicia crowed with delight. “Oh, honey. You have to hit that. Do your duty to mankind and those of us who can’t get any.”

Jensen rolled his eyes. “Last time I looked, you didn’t have any trouble attracting that kind of attention.”

“Okay, so do it for me so I don’t have to watch you mull over your lost opportunity to get fucked by somebody taller than you for once,” Felicia pleaded.

“I don’t…”

“You do so have a size kink,” Felicia accused. “It’s just your luck that you got the tall genes and have to date basketball players.”

“Remind me again why I’m friends with you?” Jensen asked.

Felicia looked smug. “Because I hooked you up with unlimited data on your wireless plan.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Are you sure this is safe?” Jared asked as Jensen made a sweep of the room.

“Nothing is ever ‘safe,’ Jared. There are just varying degrees of danger,” Jensen responded.

Jared let out a nervous laugh. “That’s comforting.”

“Look. It will more than likely be over soon. The person out to get you, whoever that is, didn’t hire a competent gunman. I doubt they did a good job covering their tracks.”

“You can’t be sure about that though. What if they were just trying to throw out a red herring? What if they’re actually very smart and their plan is to kidnap me? What if you’re the assassin, and you…”

 

Jensen’s hand over Jared’s mouth ceased his babbling. “Jared, I’m not your assassin. You’re my asset.”

“Oh, he’s your ASS-et alright,” Felicia’s sarcasm crackled through on Jensen’s earpiece. He ignored her.

Jared pulled Jensen’s hand away from his mouth. “If you kill me because you’re a double agent, I’ll have Chad become your best friend to annoy you into confessing.”

“I’m not an agent,” Jensen reasoned. “How could I be a double?”

“Spy then,” Jared corrected, “stealing my information.”

“Do I look like I could understand your chemical compound notes?” Jensen asked.

“It’s always the pretty ones who look dumb,” Jared said suspiciously.

“Aw, he thinks you’re pretty,” Felicia cooed. “You should kiss him and have dirty sex right now.” Jensen regretted helping her wire the place for sound. It was so much better when she couldn’t hear their conversations.

Distracted as he was by Felicia’s commentary, Jensen dumbly replied, “Does that mean that you look stupid?”

Jared flushed and bit his bottom lip. “I…”

The window exploded inwards, glass spraying everywhere. Jensen heard an annoyed, “Fucker!” come through his earpiece before Felicia’s feed cut out.

Without a thought, he shoved Jared behind him and drew his gun. The person staring up at them had crazy eyes and was wielding a shot gun. The man’s face was bleeding where shards of the window were sticking out of his face.

“Jim?” Jared sounded shocked.

“I should’ve ruined your career when I had my chance!” The man roared as he took a step forward over the broken glass. “I AM THE KING OF MOLECULAR MANIPULATION! You would be nothing if it wasn’t for the internship that I gave you! Now look at me! I’m a head chemist doing your testing for your ideas!”

“Really?” Jensen asked. “You’re complaining because you have a good paying job in your field.”

“Plus flextime, full medical and dental and a generous 401k,” Jared mumbled behind him.

“I should’ve had it all!” Jim roared. He made to put his gun up to his shoulder, but Felicia swung through the broken window far more gracefully than Jim’s aging form had. She swung her trust tennis racket at his head, and he collapsed in a heap on the floor.

“Serves you right for screwing with my internet connection,” she spat. “I lost my torrent of _The Sentinel_.”

“Thank you,” Jared gushed as he stepped around Jensen to give Felicia a hug.

Jensen tried not to feel jealous.

“Oh, hey,” Felicia babbled as she looked around Jared’s frame to look at Jensen. Jared followed her gaze and let go of her only to swing Jensen into his arms.

“I could’ve died,” Jared said into Jensen’s shoulder.

“Yeah,” Jensen thoughtlessly said as he tugged Jared closer.

Jared stiffened. “Is that what I think it is?”

“Adrenalin rush,” Jensen lied.

“Mine too,” Jared said.

Felicia made gagging noises as she tied up their assailant before he could regain consciousness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Ask him out,” Felicia said as she waited for her turn to be interviewed by the police.

Jared looked at her. “I don’t think it’s like that.”

 

Felicia rolled her eyes. “You’ve got a bruise imprint of his hand on your ass. Trust me; it’s like that.”

Jared looked at the door to the room the Jensen was currently giving his statement in. “Are you sure?”

“I’ve known him since he was a phone sex worker. Believe me, I know all the ogling signs of his amorous attractions,” Felicia assured him.  
Jared’s brow furrowed. “You’re not going to watch, are you?”

Felicia felt her face twist into disbelief. “Jensen is like my objectively hot, yet dorky older brother. I only watch him have sex when there is an asset involved. You’re just an ass now. Or, you know…” she waved her hand around in a vague gesture.

Jared smiled. “Thank you?”

“You’re welcome,” she said as the door opened and Jensen came out. The officer escorting him told Jared that he was next on the list.

“You owe me so much,” Felicia said as Jensen plopped down next to her.

“You realize that makes you his pimp,” Jensen said.

“I’m comfortable with that,” Felicia countered.

“Fine, but if anybody ever asks how we started dating…”

“I’ll tell them that he was your ass-et,” Felicia finished for him.

Jensen groaned and put his hands over his face, but Felicia wasn’t fooled. She could see the stupid smile he was hiding. It made her smile in return. He was going to owe her so much chocolate.


End file.
